Tonight is the quiet before the holiday’s kind of night. There is so much left to do like buy and wrap and prep but all I hear is silence and the loud scream to stop avoiding. There’s a certain nervous mood particular to this time of year. At least, the post-holiday mood is leavened with gifts and the company of others. This kind of quiet calls for a noise. I have the shower running and Radiohead playing but it may not be enough; one is for heat and the other is to dive inside another Universe besides the one I am trying desperately to avoid. I am happy. I have a job I adore. I am broke. I stopped having panic attacks. I stopped thinking about dying. I am not screaming at my drug-addicted lover. I still drink a little too much and now I have picked up smoking mostly, thinking I will lose weight but will it matter if I am five pounds thinner when I have cancer? Maybe I have cancer now. I lie in bed and wait for sleep. I write all day long at work and now, I am convinced I have lost the ability to write at all. Words in my head do not come out as intriguing as I wish they would. I am still online dating although all profiles have all been deleted along with my edge. You have to have an edge when putting yourself out there online. It’s too damn vulnerable. Who knew my list of favorite artists/movies would get me the wrong kind of dates? Who knew liking Biirdie would net the kind of dude that hikes you up 3000 foot ascend in less than three miles and expects you to buy them lunch and a scotch afterward? Biirdie would be disappointed.
It’s time to turn the shower off.
My windows are all foggy and it’s the only time I feel safe from my across-the-way stalker. We both sit in the dark and do living types of things but, it’s unnerving to see inside another’s life knowing they can see as much of you. (Forgoing punctuation)
I wonder if they blog about me sitting in the dark sipping wine listening to music writing
I did my first podcast today at work and thought I was ready for a videocast of my own. I fired up iMovie this evening and shot some footage of myself in the kitchen, sitting on a stool, next to a pile of empty edamame shells and a bowl of cigarette buds. I realized my nostrils are not symmetrical and I will never be a movie star. And that’s okay with me, not being a celebrity and all, but perhaps I am destined to fail at all things because I have asymmetrical nostrils. Scars are sexy but nostrils define character; with that logic I am off-kilter, lopsided…twisted.
Why should I stay?
The holiday’s are nigh and I would be crazy not to follow where all this leads. It’s been an insane year; but, everybody leads when they get the chance. Maybe this year we will all lead in our own way. We will buy the world a smile without a coke and find ourselves a little bit softer on the inside and a little bit kinder on the outside. Money will lose its grip as will fear and anger. We will relish inside realities we could not have dreamt. Those we once loved and lost will forgive us our failures and old friends will call up to connect. Music will continue to heal and imprint upon our lives. Food and wine combinations will be discovered. Messy will be the new black.
It’s a quiet before the holiday’s kind of night.
