KJPcreations

Ahoy. I drop anchor here. It seems three times is the charm when it comes to settling on a place to call home here in wine country. Yes…I have moved again! (I like keeping you all on your postal toes.) The Sonoma cottage delivered on all its promises. It was a winter abundant with solitude, brilliant fireside naps, communion with birdies both alive and dead and even a few powerful writing sessions. I laughed, I cried, I danced and I bathed and sometimes I watched movies and drank wine while I should have been writing or at the gym. Such is the life of a girl in the land of the grape. And speaking of that haunting piece of fruit, I have finally kicked my wine-writing block’s ass and have written a ditty for your kitty. And by that I mean your wine knowledge bank and not the fluffy-loveness who traverses on four puffy paws and yawns between back-to back naps. Onto wine, check me out in Kat’s Chai. Back to the charm. I have moved in with my “B” in Napa. It’s a super groovy house that would eat the Sonoma cottage for an appetizer, coated in a demi-glaze sauce, of course, because this is foodie country. I know I will be very happy here. For now, I continue to fight my impending insanity, furtively working on my forthcoming, award-winning memoir (insert false confidence.) Generally, I am like those kids from the Breakfast Club always looking for a way out but knowing, in the end, the only way out is through. (It’s a stretch, I know. I dedicate the metaphor to Ray-Ray who finds my attempts at them odd.)

“You are a grown individual. This is all so fucked up.”

For the one that got away~~~

Last time I checked, I was unable to stand without my knees shaking. These days, I sit whenever possible or lean upon something because I tremble during my day-to-day. I shake and I am not ashamed to admit it. For now, I show up in life because that is all I am capable of. Who knew, at the age of thirty-two, I could feel so exhausted? Like crazy tired….It’s the kind of sleepy that makes brushing your teeth a burden. No, this can’t happen to me. But it did and does, whatever it is. And maybe, this time, I will get it right. But it all feels kind of messed up. My view is gorgeous and I am self-conscious that I may ruin my skin from so many tears. Who is looking?

I don’t feel like a grown-up anything nor do I feel like this is all so fucked-up any more than usual. It seems you can’t share feelings because they are always a bit wrong and you pay in the end.

These days, I am: way too busty as my added weight seems to go there, panic stricken for reasons I am not quite sure of, fatigued, feeling unattractive and lost, nauseous most days, struggling to find a balance and time to write and just be, wondering about so many things that seemed to be answered long ago, patient, quiet, ponderous, thankful, blessed and a bit jaded all in the same moment, finding breathing is not always easy, alone.

In this moment, I think of the one that got away or that I got away from. I am in a new relationship and moving in. I listen to Jeff Buckley songs and I think of the one. I still put the painting I bought for him on a wall of every place that I move into. He didn’t want the painting. I carry it with me wherever I go in life as much as I carry his love with me. Tonight, he is on my mind. Tonight, I feel broken down.

You are a tear that hangs inside my soul forever. I am sorry you are in pain.

If I am a grown individual than I worry for all of us. I used to be strong when I did not know any better. Most days, I feel powerful and feeble all at the same time. I feel like crying and screaming all at once. No, this can’t happen to me. But what is happening?